Today, I woke up at 5:00 pm. I have never slept this late before, but in all fairness, I was up until dawn as a listener on 7 Cups. I have to say this is not me at my ultimate best, but it is out of my control sometimes when I cannot sleep. I kind of dread being awake now in the midnight hours, but I put my time to good use listening to those who need a kind and compassionate ear.
I sometimes let what I cannot do affect my self-esteem and I think I have reached a point where I have had enough; I am fed up with feeling not good enough. It is time to appreciate what I can do rather than what I can’t do. It is disappointing to not be able to do the things I would like because of suffering from major depressive disorder but I must continually adjust and adapt to each day not knowing what to expect.
Two of the people I listened two left ratings and I now have 5 out of 5 stars. I like to excel at what I do and sometimes the depression makes me feel inadequate on the days where it is even difficult to get out of bed. A frustrating battle of thoughts ensues, and I need to show the same compassion to myself that I show to others experiencing debilitating symptoms of depression.
Too much time has been spent in disappointment about what I cannot do now. What does this mean? It means I carry around shame and a feeling of disgrace because I am not functioning like healthier people can. I know I have tried my best on the road to recovery and must keep this in mind.
Suffering from depression is not my fault and I must keep this in mind. It is unfortunate, but something that is manageable though there have been days when it has felt grueling to face the day. I’m not sure what to say when people ask what I do. I have found writing work at home, but some people don’t consider this to be a real job; I have also tried my hand at selling crafts online, but I could not keep up with what my mind had planned for the small business. It is time for some motivation!
Motivation for easing the self-doubt from depression
What is motivation? Why does it seem to work better on some days? I’m not sure. Not all of what is intended to be good advice or motivation is helpful, sometimes it can feel harmful due to expectations to kind of just snap out of the depression at will. Of course, it is better to think positively but the illness cannot be battled alone with positive thoughts. What kind of motivation is helpful? How can I include radical acceptance? What does this mean for me and most likely others? I need to accept myself at my best when the symptoms aren’t as debilitating, and at my worst. There is no need for self condemnation for being a person with depression. It runs in my family and why should I expect to be any different?
I have been learning mindfulness techniques lately; spending time in the past and worrying about the future is overwhelming. Of course, I appreciate good memories, but having depression has tempted me to ruminate over the negative and relive the pain every time I think of a painful experience.
Am I doing something that makes my depression worse? Yes. The non-stop critical thoughts are painful and sometimes it takes me a while to snap out of it and stop the negative thoughts. I hate struggling, it is wearisome. It is counterproductive when I really am trying hard to feel my best.
Today’s motivation is the thought that I am working hard to be the best that I can. It’s okay to be me and it doesn’t matter if someone else wants to judge me harshly for having a mental illness. I have worked hard to be self-sufficient and strong; although I haven’t gotten to where I want to go in the way I thought I would get there, I am convinced that I will get there eventually even if it doesn’t look like I thought it would. Trying to act healthy when I need to be treated for depression doesn’t work, it doesn’t make me function any better.
Some days I have lost track of my goals and because of my fatigue it feels like I will never accomplish them and then I will l have days when I am full of energy and in control and well on my way to accomplishing the steps necessary reach my set goal. I feel best when life feels exciting; it can be difficult to remember that the weighing despair is not permanent though it feels like it will never go away.
It is hard to describe to others out of embarrassment and the need to be accepted as being a regular human being without prejudice and dislike. I have confided to a few people that I have depression, and some seem okay with it though they don’t know too much about it. I have to say I have accomplished my goals though I have had to adapt around the depression and have been set back by the symptoms and trying to find the right medication that makes me feel better. I am a writer and have had the opportunity to be paid for writing about issues that I learned in college. Listening on 7 Cups is a community service worker activity. So, my hard work did pay off, I am doing what I went to school for even though it isn’t where I thought it would be. I can do it even thought I am not moving as quickly as I hoped I would.
— John Wooden